Facing Insecurities

The past few days I’ve had the hardest time trying to write. People call this phenomenon “writer’s block”. Wikipedia even describes it as a condition that “ranges from difficulty with coming up with original ideas to being unable to produce work for years.” I know what you’re probably thinking: “You have writer’s block the first month into your new writing venture?” Yes, yes I do. Thankfully, my situation isn’t that dire, as it’s only been a couple of weeks since I’ve written. But, the ominous fear surrounding the “block” feels all the same to me.

Why has it been so difficult for me to write? I feel insecure. I feel overwhelmed. I just made a huge life change and the road to get to the outcome that I truly want feels daunting and unpredictable. It’s like, I know my destination, but I don’t know exactly how to get there. All of the uncertainty in the air makes it easier for insecurities to creep in and haunt my thoughts. These insecurities whisper things to me like, “no one really cares about what you write”. Well, maybe that is true. But, should that stop me from writing?

I’ve had insecurities come and go and they’ve ranged from insecurities about my physical appearance to self-worth insecurities to insecurities about where I am in my life. The only thing that I’ve ever found that makes them go away is finding the strength within myself to find peace with whatever that insecurity is. If I try to seek solace from external sources, such as through a person validating that the insecurity isn’t true, it doesn’t really help, oddly enough.

For example, if I’ve put on a few pounds and someone assures me that I still look fine, it won’t make me feel any better about it. I’ll still feel insecure. I have to come at peace with how I look on my own and then usually those extra pounds come right off (with some effort put in of course). If I am in a place of resistance (non-peace), aka hating how I look and desperately trying to control my situation with excessive dieting and exercise, the weight stubbornly hangs on. Weird, right? It’s like the minute that I let go and just allow my body to be where it is and I just do what I can to be healthy without obsessively trying to control anything, I lose the extra weight no problem.

We all need to give ourselves love, first and foremost, before anyone else can love us. Another past insecurity I used to have was with being single. I hated being alone because I wanted someone to fill that void for me. The void that was there because I told myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worthy. Sometimes people fill that void with other things, like drugs and alcohol. And, then some of us just learn to function with the void always being there. But, I learned that once I became at peace with being on my own, once I learned to love myself rather than look for that love from the outside, I became the person that I needed to be. I became the person that I needed myself to be and the person that a partner would need. I didn’t hate being single anymore because I was really content with who I was alone.

It also helps to dig deeper and question our insecurity: where is this coming from? My writer’s block, my feelings of insecurity surrounding my writing, and worrying that nobody will care about what I have to say… where is that coming from? It stems from me caring about what other people think. I’ve always cared WAY too much about what other people think. To the point where I put other people’s feelings and opinions before my own. I’ve always admired those who have the “I don’t give a F%*$” attitude. What would happen if I didn’t care what other people thought?

Even if no one gives a crap about my writing, I now realize that the most important person who needs to care and love my writing is myself.