It's been awhile. I took a break from blogging, social media, and even working because I had my sights fixated on a specific goal: I wanted to write a book. I wanted to churn out a published book in three months because I was gifted a book that said that it was possible. However, on some level I was aware that it would be a difficult task, so I put myself in a bubble. I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram pages, I took a break from my blog, and I shifted my focus onto my book.
Some people knew that this was what I was doing, most didn’t. I wanted to protect myself in this bubble because I wanted to avoid judgement. I didn't want anything to stop me from achieving my goal. But, I hadn’t ever written a book before. I was gifted a book by a random person that lightly touches on the process, but it was still a lot harder than I expected. What I didn’t know before starting this journey was that publishing a book via a traditional publisher is a lengthy process that isn’t succeeded by most people without a celebrity status or a loyal following.
You might argue that it’s 2020 and really anyone can publish a book these days because of self-publishing. But, this method still takes some time, as well as a bit of a monetary investment. Self-publishing also entails finding the right people to edit and design your book because you still want a professionally-made book even if it’s self-published.
In these last couple of months, I was in my bubble floating higher and higher as I continued to write my book. I thought that I could do it. I wrote my first draft and felt that I was gaining momentum. But, bubbles have a short life span. As they rise higher into the air, they reach a point where they can elevate no further, and they pop. Being in a bubble did not protect me, it just made reality hit harder when it did.
My three month break is almost finished and I am not ready to publish my book. The first draft has been written, but it hasn’t been re-written. On average, a book can take anywhere from four to 13 drafts before it’s ready to publish. For someone who is used to writing five to ten minute reads, writing an entire book that was cohesive and articulate was hard. My mom read it and said it was really disorganized. She was right.
I am someone who doesn’t feel proud until I’ve reached my goal or the outcome. Since I didn’t achieve my goal in the three-month deadline I created for myself, I felt like a failure. Just awful. I’m actually still recovering from the disappointment in myself. It was like, after my bubble popped I fell from the heights that I had just risen up to, and then after the brutal fall I metaphorically beat the s*** out of myself.
I honestly don’t know if I’m meant to write a book. I don’t know if my writing skills and style are equipped for it. I just love to write and I had this dream that I could have a writing career and be able to help people in the process. But, I’ve realized that living in a bubble isn’t realistic or productive. I’d love to be able to conclude this blog with a happy ending or provide some sort of closure, but I can’t. The fact of the matter is I’m trying to pick myself up right now and figure out what I “realistically” want to do with my life.
But hey, at least I’m honest. :)