"The wound is the place where the light enters you." — Rumi
These last few weeks have been incredibly challenging for me. My mental balance has been compromised and I’ve been feeling emotionally overwhelmed. In my recent blogs, I’ve talked about how my depression and anxiety stems from my insecurities and feeling like I’m not good enough. Today, during my meditation I started to feel those same feelings seep into my awareness. And, during my meditation I realized that my self-deprecating thoughts and feelings are draining me. They're holding me back from moving forward, like they’re these 100-pound weights cuffed around my ankles. I think thoughts like, “how am I supposed to write a book or help anybody when I can’t even help myself?” But, today I decided to challenge those thoughts.
My parents love to tell me this story about me when I was little, around three or four years old. This story crossed my mind today during my meditation, and it was exactly what I needed to remember. When I was young, I was feisty and full of energy; I was constantly climbing on everything and exploring. One of my favorite activities at this age was riding my tricycle. I rode around my backyard on my tricycle in circles, until of course I would inevitably lose my balance and tip over. The way my parents have told me the story is that when this would happen I would start crying, like the world was ending. But, if my parents were inside and pretended not to see or notice the event and I realized that no one was watching, I would immediately stop crying, get back up, and start riding my tricycle again. My parents love to emphasize that I wasn’t really that hurt because if I was aware that no one was watching, I would stop my tears and carry on. Well, when this story popped in my mind today I interpreted it in a slightly different way.
I don’t think that those were fake tears when I fell off the tricycle. In that moment, maybe it was a little startling, a bit traumatic and scary. Hence, the tears that ensued after I fell down. But, when I looked around and realized that no one was going to save me, I chose to save myself. I dusted myself off, picked up my tricycle, and continued on my merry way. This story popped into my head today to show me that we have CHOICES. Life will knock us down sometimes and we, ourselves, can even push us down. And, that is completely normal and okay. But, when we stay down it’s because we are imprisoning ourselves there. Sometimes when things are extreme or drastic, we need outside resources to help us. I’ve been in that dire state before. But, when it’s not that severe, we can actually pull ourselves up and out of the darkness.
The way we pull out of the darkness is by seeing the light. It’s all about our perspective. A tunnel seems dark and scary until you reach the end of it where the light begins to trickle in. If you’re not at the end of the tunnel yet, it doesn’t mean you can’t see the light. If you’ve been in a tunnel before then you can use your past memory or recollection to know that there is in fact light at the end of the tunnel. So, when you’re in a new tunnel and it’s completely dark, you just have to remember the light that’s coming, and all of sudden you’ll find yourself there, in that light. So for me, it’s remembering that I am special and I am worthy. It’s believing that I am MORE than capable and good enough to do anything that I dream of doing. And, that right there is the light. The light is within yourself.