It’s been so long since I’ve written a Soul blog. I’ve really been wanting to for awhile, but I struggled with what I could write about. This section of my blog has always been the dedicated space for my personal life experiences. However, there are so many experiences that I go through that I feel I can’t share in one way or another. I hold a lot of fear that someone will read my words and interpret them in the wrong way. That somehow my blog could upset or offend somebody resulting in a negative outcome.
So I guess, being that we’re at the end of 2021, I’ll just write about my year without being too specific and hold hope that it resonates positively with those that read.
This year, was quite difficult for me in a lot of ways. I know most people thought 2020 was the worst year ever, but for me, this year as a whole was a lot harder. Albeit, it wasn’t worst year I’ve been through—the year I went through chronic health issues definitely takes the cake for that. But, this year was a year that I couldn’t escape negativity. The overall climate in the world has become so polarizing and delicate, it felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells. I’m so empathetic that I continuously absorb the emotions and feelings around me, often times at a subconscious level. But even consciously, I felt that everywhere I looked, it was negativity, judgement, bad news, and horrible events occurring. It consumed me for many, many months.
When so much negativity is absorbed, where does it go? It ricochets onto your own personal world. Everything I saw when it came to my life was glass half-empty. Something good happen? Why wasn’t it better? Something bad happen? The end of the world. My equilibrium was disturbed for the better part of this year. The turning point was when I went to my energy healer. She brought me back to peace and I finally felt like my positive self again. But, the other component was that after that, I also stopped giving attention to negativity. I stopped watching the news, I stopped following the negative threads, and I started feeling lighter. I learned that being hyper-aware of negative things is not useful for me. It wasn’t like I was producing any positive change from being privy to that information; it just brought me down. You can call it living in ignorance or oblivion, but if that’s what brings me peace then it is well worth it.
I’m still a work in progress. Even though I don’t feel like I’m in the black hole that I was several months ago, I still have my days where I succumb to negativity. I’ve always had that though, it’s a part of life. The highs wouldn’t be highs if it weren’t for the lows. It’s also not easy in this day and age, thanks to social media. Our peers, colleagues, friends, and celebrities frequently show the highlights of their life, and we can fall into the trap that our life should be better than what it is because we compare it to others—and we always compare it to what would be better, not worse.
If I’m 100% honest, in the last six years, the time in my life that I remember when I was perhaps the most immune to negativity, was when I felt like my life was falling apart. After, of course, I had moved into a state of acceptance about it.
I couldn’t afford to live in my apartment in Dallas anymore and when my lease was going to be up in a couple of months, I had made arrangements to move into my parent’s house in Austin, where I didn’t know a single soul. It wasn’t what I would’ve chosen for myself, but I had no choice in the matter. And in those couple of months where I was in between jobs and preparing to move, I just felt free. I wasn’t in the rat race anymore... I was completely disqualified and that allowed me to just live life in the moment. I hung out with old friends, I stayed out all night, I went on adventures by myself. I was 25 years old at the time and I felt like I was 20 again. The pressure was off and I wasn't trying to "figure" out my next move, I was just living. I wasn’t comparing myself to other people my age because there was no comparison. I was so lost and my life felt like a mess, but for once, I wasn’t judging myself.
I want to fall back into that space. Even though I feel like I’ve inserted myself back into the rat race, I don’t want to be in it. It exhausts me, it drains me, and that’s not when I feel the happiest. Anyway, I hope this blog resonates with someone. Writing this was super therapeutic.
Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season.