"The 'pain-body' wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it." —Eckhart Tolle
I haven’t written anything in what feels like an eternity. But, I promised myself that this blog would exist as something for ME, not for anyone else; so, I’ll try my best to not pass judgment on it. Like many people, I’ve noticed that I can be my biggest critic. Which is a shame, because we don’t need to do anything but love ourselves.
A lot of changes and things have been happening in my personal life that have taken my time and energy, which is one of the reasons that I haven’t felt the need or the urge to write anything. But today, I wanted to write about how our old emotional wounds can sporadically re-open and cause us pain and suffering. Often times, we aren’t even aware that it is actually old “pain” causing our current “pain”.
A long time ago, I was in a relationship with someone that wasn’t faithful to me. And I made the decision to take him back and give him another chance. But ever since the occurrence happened, feelings of inadequacy and insecurities about myself lingered. I interpreted that the action this guy made was a reflection of what was not good enough in myself. After that relationship finally ended, I continued to date and see men that didn’t respect or value me. Not intentionally, but I suppose deep down I didn’t have my own sense of self-worth; so, I attracted those that reaffirmed those same feelings.
It took many years of emotional suffering, anxiety, a major health problem, and some serious self-work to recondition my mind to believe that I am worthy, beautiful and VALUABLE to the world. And, I’m extremely grateful that I’m currently dating someone who 100% respects me and loves me. But, even though I’ve seemingly worked through these past issues, sometimes old wounds can re-open. Our minds are incredibly powerful and can determine our emotions, our mental and even physical well-being.
In the past, I didn’t recognize or wasn’t consciously aware that it was old wounds that were lingering and causing me suffering and pain. I just thought “I have anxiety. I don’t know what this is, it’s just there.” But now, I am more attuned to the voice inside my head. I dig deeper when this voice gets negative and loud. And following the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle’s wise words, I choose to exist as the awareness BEHIND the voice, not the voice itself. Meaning that, in the past I identified with this inner voice and thought that was ME. So, when the voice said, “you aren’t good enough, you are a failure, you are meaningless to the world,” I accepted what this voice was saying because I thought it was just me. But now I know, that isn’t me. I am not that voice inside my head. So, now I’m able to question the voice. To challenge the voice. To OBSERVE the voice as an outsider. By doing that, I’m able to not feel overpowered by the voice. I probably sound crazy right now talking about this voice inside my head, but we all have thoughts. And, sometimes these thoughts are positive, sometimes they’re just objective. And, we have all experienced our mind turn to the worse and become extremely negative.
Sure, I still get emotional. I still feel anxious at times. But, it doesn’t stay permanently like it used to. It doesn’t necessarily have to build up to a panic attack. And now, that I have realized that a lot of the times it is old pain resurfacing, I have a sense of peace. The reason for that is because I’ve kind of pin-pointed what the pain actually is. So I’m like “oh okay. This is just that old pain wanting to take over me again.” It’s kind of like realizing that hey, you’re on a rollercoaster—that’s what this turmoil is. But also, realizing that you can get off the rollercoaster whenever you want.
I don’t have an answer for when our old, deep wounds will finally completely heal. Clearly, mine haven't completely gone away yet. But, we don’t have to be a victim of our old pain. By seeing it for what it is, we feel more empowered and can give ourselves the love and compassion we need during those times that the old pain comes back. So then, after you’ve felt your emotions, and let them out, and you’re tired of riding the rollercoaster, you can just get off the ride.