Ever since my dog Ranger died, I’ve been getting these annoying styes on my eye. I never used to have a problem with these before. Just like anyone else, every now and then (maybe once a year, if that) I would get one. But, lately I’ve been having styes pop up every other week… and it’s always my right eye, never my left. This seemed strange to me. Based on past experiences that I’ve had, I’ve learned that recurring health issues stem from emotional causes. So, when these styes kept coming back and back again, I irritably resorted to looking at Louise Hay’s list of emotional causes for illness.
Next to “Sty”, it read: “Looking at life through angry eyes.” At first, I dismissed this information. I’m not angry, I thought, not anymore. In those first couple weeks after I first lost Ranger, sure I was. I was so angry that I would vent about the entire world around me and go on blood boiling rants. But, now?
Then, I reflected back on my patience or lack thereof the past couple of months. How easily frustrated I became over the smallest things, how I'd let my mood derail over things that didn’t use to irritate me before. Ok, so maybe I could admit my temperament had become a little angrier. But, why am I angry, I asked myself. The immediate response that defiantly popped into my mind was, “Because it doesn’t matter!” And, then it was as if that outburst removed these covers hiding the true feelings that were buried deep within me: sadness. All of a sudden, I felt the immense sadness. The same sadness I’d managed to evade for weeks. I could feel it so deeply again, just as intense as those first few days were after losing Ranger.
So here I was, simply questioning why I kept getting styes in my eye and this investigation resulted in me dredging up all this emotion that had been bubbling underneath the surface. They say that anger is often a secondary emotion, masking something else underneath…whether it’s fear, sadness, hurt. I don’t know why we do it, but it seems like a defense mechanism. I’ve been able to function and move on with my life with this anger. When I was in the depths of despair, when I was depressed, I couldn’t do anything. And life, it doesn’t pause. You have to go back to work, go back to your routine, go back to the life that your loved one just left. Even if you don’t want it anymore without them, you don’t have a choice. So, maybe that’s where the anger comes in.
I’m not really sure what the whole point of this blog is. I found the source of my styes, which was my buried pain. I can’t make that go away, it’s still there. But, maybe I am supposed to feel the pain. Maybe that’s why I kept getting styes. To realize that I wasn’t allowing myself to grieve by burying it and covering it with anger.
I miss you, Ranger.