Here I am, writing my first soul blog in months. It never ceases to amaze me how going through emotional pain always leads me back to writing. The universe works in mysterious ways and I like to think that it puts me in certain situations on purpose to get me writing again. It almost makes the suffering I'm going through feel worthwhile.
Ever since COVID, I think that a lot of people have been going through the universal challenging experience of: life isn't going how I expected it to. And then, having to deal with the repercussions of that.. the disappointment, the frustration and the suffering that follows when life doesn't go as planned. For me personally, 2020 wasn't actually all that bad. Why? How can that be possible?
Well, after the initial shock and difficulty of going through the major changes that the pandemic brought about, it was as if something switched off in my brain, an automatic download of knowing- hey, life isn't going to go as expected right now, you need to roll with it and make the best of it. I didn't have the most exciting, event-filled year, but I had a damn GREAT year. Until I lost my dog Ranger, which is one of those things that you can't just roll with. You go through a grieving process and it isn't easy to view the glass as half full when you're in the thick of that.
Ever since then, I've been having a really hard time staying in a positive place. I think it's because with things getting back to normalcy this year, something subconsciously switched my brain back to its normal way of viewing things. Things are normal again! Go back to your regularly scheduled programming! My regular programming is me planning the shit out of everything, stressing about it, and then being upset if things don't go according to plan.
It's been weeks of this. Weeks of frustration about things going this way or that way, weeks of anger, and weeks of not being in my go-with-the-flow happy-go-lucky self. I am currently sitting here in the middle of summer, with my ankle covered in fire ant bites, which itch like crazy, and just having spent 3 hours at urgent care to get a prescription of antibiotics and steroids because my entire foot has become swollen to the point that it hurts to walk. I'm like OK UNIVERSE. I GET IT. I NEED TO SURRENDER.
I am tired of things not going the way I intended them to. But, even more than that, I am tired of caring. I want to look at my foot and laugh instead of cry. I want to let people be how they are and not let it hurt my feelings or piss me off. I am tired of my inner peace being at the mercy of outer things. I want to go back to that knowing that I had last year- things aren't going to go as expected, roll with it and make the best of it.
But, when the world isn't in the state of disaster, my mind seems to believe that we can have that control back. I'm starting to realize that we don't though.. and maybe we never did. We can certainly plan, make goals, and to try our best to stick to that, but sometimes life is going to go in a different way. And if we allow that to defeat us and ruin our mood, we're going to spend so much of our lives miserable. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live my life the way I did last year, making the best with what I have.
How do we do that? Well, to use my fire ant bitten ankle as an example, I can't change the fact that it's happened, so I need to let go of being upset that it has. How do I view this unpleasant, negative situation positively? I can genuinely say that I'm glad this happened now, versus a few weeks from now, when I have a beach trip planned. I can say that I'm thankful that a doctor has given me medication to help heal the injury. I can say that I'm thankful this is something temporary and not a lifelong condition. I can look at all the other positive things going on in my life and focus my attention on those things, rather than this one thing going wrong.
It's not easy and I am not well-practiced in this. However, I do know that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it was even divine timing that I crossed paths with those fire ants the other day. Anyway, I hope that this resonates with someone reading this cause gosh, this has been one tough lesson to learn. But hey, it made for an interesting blog. :)